The Jail of Negativity

After watching countless hours of coverage about the search for, discovery and demise of Osama Bin Laden some months back, I was struck by the tremendous amounts of negative energy some humans are willing to invest in their existence. I wondered whether during those last few moments of his life, he thought it was worth it.

It’s true he had not been in “custody” for the decade post Sept. 11, but to my mind, he was imprisoned nonetheless, trapped within the tall walls of the compound for 5-6 years, venturing out only once a day. Sure sounds like incarceration to me.

I find when people choose to embrace a mindset of negativity and exclusion, they not only bar others from coming in, but encage themselves, too. There’s the family member who stays home from all the gatherings rather than to extend civility to someone who slighted him or her years ago, the person who blares their car horn and flips off the driver next to them for some perceived infraction of traffic norms, leaving other drivers shaking their heads and seeking distance, the co-worker who would rather be silent day after day than to be the first to say good morning.

Such acts of iron will for such ill will. Imagine what could be if the same level of determination were applied to finding the common ground from which to form a partnership, or at least a peaceful place of disagreement, or even, hold onto your hat, forgiveness.

Consider the signs for negative – and positive+. The negative sign is linear, stark, and alone. The positive sign shows two paths converging at a midpoint, a sort of coming together of two parts to form something new. A cooperative intersection for good.

I recognize no one, least of all me, is constantly positive and all sweetness and light. Still, when negativity pervades one’s existence it’s incredibly destructive. Not toward the perceived external enemy, but to the enemy within. One doesn’t have to be Osama Bin Laden to harbor negativity. It’s an issue for many of us, albeit on a comparatively infinitesimal scale. But, unlike Osama, we all have the opportunity to make a shift. We can consciously decide to step out of the jail of negativity, embracing positive energy to ourselves and extending it to others.

The next time negativity rises, leading to feelings of separateness and exclusion, envision the + and work toward an intersection of heart and mind that allows positive energy to flow to you and from you. That positive energy will unlock the jail of negativity and set you free.

Feathering Nests

I’ve been pondering the phrase “feathering your nest” a lot lately. In fact, I think I want to take my life coaching into a realm that addresses that concept in various situations. I started thinking about it because my nest, while not yet empty, has become more spacious. What’s more, the flight of my youngest chick looms within sight. So, as I’ve been thinking about that, about my role as parent shifting again, I’ve been considering what it means to have a nest that suddenly becomes a bit more airy. Like so many stages, it’s an adjustment. It’s a time of fresh possibility, for reflection and for choosing how to move forward. It’s a time when the nest seems to need a bit of “feathering” of one sort or another.

While contemplating all that it occurred to me that most people have times when they discover their nest needs feathering, even if they don’t have chicks tumbling out. For some it may be after a work-life transition, say from a very demanding work schedule to one that’s less so, or after completing a major project, or even when shifting into retirement mode. For others it may be after leaving a long-term relationship, or losing a loved one, or when grandchildren move away, or a best friend leaves town. Suddenly, where before there were responsibilities, demands, phone calls, lunches, or companionship, now there is space. Something is gone and a void is in its place.

Those are nest feathering occasions, times to rearrange things a bit, to fill some of that space with something that brings joy, excitement, and satisfaction. The possibilities are endless, but the process requires a willingness to investigate, to take a chance, to try something new, to be open to change. Feathering a nest isn’t about just filling it up, it’s about enhancing it, improving it, transforming it into the newest version of what feels right and good and true.

I’m making plans to feather my semi-empty nest by doing more of what I love to do, writing and life coaching. And I’m jazzed about what’s ahead. I’m also inspired to help others discover how they want to feather their nests. For sure it’s not a one size fits all proposition. The designs of our nests are as individual and unique as are our fingerprints. Those designs reflect our progress on our journey, and they change in substance and style over time, just like we do.

Regardless of whether your nest has a gaping hole, or just a little space around the edges, feathering, at its finest, should never be about slapping a few spindly twigs into place. No, I see feathering as an art form, where careful consideration goes into the selection of just the right touches to make our nests true reflections of our personalities and our priorities.

If there’s space in your nest, start the quest today. I’m confident you’ll find feathering feels an awful lot like fulfillment.

The Sound of Hope

I didn’t see the entire speech President Obama made in Tucson Wednesday night, but I saw a lot of it. Regardless of one’s politics, I think it would be difficult to find fault with his message. In my opinion, those who continue to put up walls of division and refuse to compromise are completely irresponsible. Where do people get off thinking they can just refuse to hear an opposing view? It’s like working on a group project at work, or being in a marriage, or chairing a committee at your church, you don’t get your way all the time. HELLO! In fact, often no one person gets his or her way, but rather a new and better way is forged that is an amalgamation of thoughts, ideas and energy. That’s the beauty of working together – synergy – together we are greater than the sum of our parts. But if no one is willing to let go of their idea, or to listen to the idea of another, synergy cannot manifest.

In any group endeavor it’s essential to first identify the goal. Whether that goal is to create a successful new product or to maintain a loving relationship, identifying the interest held in common marks the point where beliefs, efforts and energies meet and begin to build momentum. It’s no different on a national scale. To truly move forward in this country we have to find a point where our beliefs converge on a goal that we seek and then move forward from there, keeping the mission in mind and always referring back to it if we begin to drift too far in one direction or another. If the only point on which we can agree is that we all want to be safe, then that’s where we start.

You see, I’m of the opinion that we all have much in common. Oh sure, we’re all individuals with unique gifts, but, let’s face it, we have a lot of similarities. We want good health care with a realistic price tag. We want our kids to grow up and have opportunities to be successful in a country where people feel safe and valued and free. We want to be heard and acknowledged when we have a concern. We want to believe that our leaders want what’s best for us, as a nation, more than they want to be a sound bite on CNN or Fox News.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I think all that’s reasonable and possible. Here’s the challenge though, it requires us to set aside egos and work together toward the goal, being willing to do whatever we can to get there. That’s likely going to include some painful letting go and some uncomfortable reaching out, but there is no other way. Anyone who has worked successfully with others knows that. There will never be true progress without concessions, compromises, and sacrifices. Those things aren’t glamorous, for sure, but they are real and worthy efforts toward a better outcome that will last more than a day or an administration. That’s what I heard Wednesday night and to me it sounded like hope.

Bring on the New Year

This year our Christmas tree dried out very quickly. By a few days after Christmas it was so brittle I decided to commence with the undecorating process. Like usual I approached the task with a mix of dread and anticipation. I hate the tedious taking off of ornaments and then picking up 3.2 million prickly pine needles. All that before even beginning to drag the not-so-evergreen out the door, spewing aged water and 4 million more needles during the exodus.

But, anyway, it has to be done, so I do it. The good part, the part that I anticipate, if not with true eagerness at least with a little bit of relief, is how big and clear my living room looks once the tree’s out. It feels absolutely expansive and suddenly cleaner and lighter. It was especially so this year. I’m telling you, I felt like doing a cartwheel. And if not for the risk of breaking a hip, I would have.

Instead I stood there feeling all positive about the dead tree out of the room and the open space and light where it had been. In that moment I realized I could stand to do a little mental undecorating of my attitudes and angst. I decided to drag out some of the dusty, brittle, and outdated worries and disappointments packed away in my mind’s attic, and toss them right out there in the side yard alongside my now horizontal Christmas tree. And from that moment forward I’ve been a new woman, humming and skipping through blissful days.

Well, okay, that’s not exactly how it went, but I have been making efforts to do more “out with the old” to make room for some new and it has been good. A new year is the right time to realize that you can’t grab an opportunity if you’re using both hands to hold onto the past. All that undecorating broadened my living room and my horizons simply by clearing out what was finished to make room for what’s becoming. The space is there and so are the possibilities. I think it’s going to be a really happy new year.

Contentment

You know how sometimes a word or a phrase will start popping onto your awareness? It seems really random. You haven’t noticed that letter or word configuration in ages and then suddenly it shows up in the newspaper, someone speaks it in conversation, and you come across it in an article in Oprah. For me, recently, that word is contentment.

In contemplating it, I’ve decided that contentment is a word that’s just the teeniest bit ambiguous. I mean we all want contentment, right? But is it enough? Let’s face it, it could even be considered on the bland end of the well-being spectrum. It’s not euphoria, or happiness, or even serenity. In fact, when you compare contentment to euphoria it seems, well, a bit lame and boring. Hmmm.

I decided to look it up in the dictionary. Contentment – The state of being contented: satisfaction. So, naturally, I had to look up the definition of Satisfaction – 1. a. The fulfillment or gratification of a need, desire, or appetite. b. Pleasure derived from such gratification.

That got me thinking (always a tenuous excursion) about whether I’m satisfied with my life and, if so, whether that defined my contentment.

What I’ve decided to take away is that contentment, for me at least, is great -- for the short term. I really enjoy feeling satisfied with my work on a project, with my spiritual development, or with my personal relationships. But what I’ve gradually discovered is that to be ultimately “content” I need to keep moving forward.

My contentment is not about long-term status quo, but rather embracing satisfaction for today, this week, or even this month, but then stretching out there a bit when the itch of dissatisfaction starts wiggling its way onto my internal radar. That stretch toward a new goal or a greater level of connection pulls me forward to the next plane of my contentment and that’s what leads to truly satisfying gratification.

Euphoria may be the fleeting Angelina Jolie of well-being, but contentment is the Jennifer Aniston-- dependable, reassuring, and real.

I’ve concluded that my contentment, by its very nature, remains a work in progress, but I’ve come to realize it’s the trek itself that I find gratifying.

Time + Distance = No Change

Not long ago I had the great good fortune to be able to spend two evenings in a row with most of my closest high school friends. While it hasn’t been decades since we’ve been together, it doesn’t happen often, so two nights in a row was a pretty big deal. And pretty big fun.

One thing I truly find amazing is how quickly we reconnect. We fall right back in step almost like we were walking down the halls of HHS again. We are all such distinctly different personalities, living a variety of lifestyles, yet something melded all those years ago, forging a bond that remains unshaken by time, trials, distance, or absence. Perhaps it has something to do with sharing the formative years when everything from boredom with school, to one’s love life, to friendship, was felt with tremendous intensity.

Or maybe it’s because we share something so precious that it’s impossible to reproduce. We share a history. That allows us to reconvene with a gratifying level of acceptance. There is no judgment between us, at least none that I perceive, and no pretense either. It would be pointless. We know each other too well. We are, after all -- us. We were there during sleepovers and séances, crises of the heart and/or grounding, first beer, first love, and, well you know the rest. We were together at school in classes and clubs. After school we heightened the energy crisis by ceaselessly cruising “The Ville.” We’d finally go home only to get on the phone to touch base again. We would have considered Facebook a gift from God.

It wasn’t always idyllic. In fact it often wasn’t, but our friendships were breathtakingly vital to us. We absolutely needed each other in ways that I can’t say I totally understand, but I certainly do recall with complete clarity.

Our group has splintered a bit geographically, but emotionally? Never. We stay in touch, sporadically with words, but always with hearts. We have lived enough to know that life can be a tenuous proposition. People change and friendships end. But that doesn’t worry us because ours are committed relationships. We’re in it for the long haul. We accept what’s past, offer support in the present, and hold hope for a bright and bountiful future.

I am blessed to have my ya ya sisters in my tribe. You know who you are. Thank you. Love you. Always.

Signs Signs Everywhere Signs

I‘m one of those people who is always looking for a sign. That leads to two things. First, I wonder if I see signs everywhere. Second, I over-analyze to the point when I suspect none of them are really signs after all. Yes, I’m aware there is probably a DSM-IV diagnosis that fits, but let’s not go there.

I spend a lot of time and energy pondering the meaning and purpose of my life. Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing in terms of vocation? Am I serving my highest purpose? All the while I’m parallel praying that I’m not! Thus, I seek THE SIGN. I just wish it would come in the form of certified mail to remove any risk of misinterpretation.

The other morning when I got to the office, I immediately noticed a teeny configuration of yellow eggs (at least I think they’re some kind of egg) in the shape of a fish on my window. What? See the attached photo for yourself. No? Squint a little bit. Ah, there it is, right? I figure this must be a sign, kind of like the spider web in “Charlotte’s Web,” or the Virgin Mary toast. But what does it mean? Is it a sign of rebirth (if they are in fact eggs)? Is it a spiritual omen (think Jesus fish)? Should I “swim” away from my desk? Am I destined to be a marine biologist? Actually, probably not that one given my phobia of green water.

I continue to search for potential fish significance, but I remind myself that while it’s fine to wait for new directions and adventures, it’s most important to actively participate in my present life – every single day. My world is filled with signs of abundance and love and I’m oh-so-grateful for them. In my search for ever-greater fulfillment and satisfaction, I must not forget to acknowledge and appreciate the great gifts I’ve already received.

In all honesty, I think I’ll always seek new directions, no matter what adventures unfold. I guess that’s not a bad thing. Whatever signs I get, whether via mailbox or window aquarium, I just want to be ready and aware, so I get it right. So far I’m not getting any strong vibes on what the fish means. I’ll keep you posted if anything shows up on my toast in the morning.